Humour & Jokes


"I can't understand how it's possible for one person to make such a lot of mistakes in a short essay?" a teacher asked

"It isn't one person, miss, my father helped me," Mary answered


If a single teacher can't teach us all subjects, then how can you expect a student to learn all of them?

One day a physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.

A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

 "To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.

"So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

 "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.


Teacher: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree but also admitted it. Now, John, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”

John: “Because George still had the axe in his hand.”


Professor, what do you say when you meet your students, who have graduated from university?"

"Big Mac and Diet Cola, please."


The teacher: "Didn't Billy Smith help you do these sums, John?"

John: "No, sir, he didn't."

The teacher: "John, are you sure he didn't help you?"

John: "No, sir, he didn't help me, he did them all by himself."


When  Lily came back home after her first day at school, her mother asked:

"Well, darling, what did they teach you?"

"Not much", answered the little girl, "I've got to go there again tomorrow."


Father: "Tell me how school went today. How do you like it?"

Billy: "It's hard to like a place that's haunted, dad."

Farther: "Haunted?! What do you mean?"

Billy: "It's that new teacher of mine...she keeps talking about the school spirit."


A girl came home after school and showed mom her test score.

Mom: "Why is your test score so low?"

Daughter: "Because of absence."

Mom: "You were absent?"

Daughter: "No, the girl next to me was."


Physics teacher: "Issac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"

Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."


The teacher called little Mary to her desk.

She said: "This essay you've written about your pet cat is word for word exactly the same essay as what your sister has written."

"Of course it is," said Mary, "it is the same cat!"


An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."


A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, then she hung up.

"Wow!" said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number", replied the girl.


Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

 "I pray for a new bicycle... I pray for a new PS..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said: "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"


A family of mice were surprised by a big cat.

Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow! The cat ran away.

"What was that Father?" asked Baby Mouse.

"Well, son, that's why it is important to learn a second language."


Two kids are talking.

- My dad works twelve hours a day so that I can have a comfortable home and decent clothes. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. However, I can not relax from all the worry.

- But you are living a fairytale life! What are you so worried about?

- Well, what if they try to escape?


Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the sixth one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"


One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the professor asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furiously, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not accept the test.

The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"

The professor said, "No and I don't care."

The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"

The professor again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed it in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.

"Good!" the student said and walked out.

He passed.


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mom, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"


Dad, would you like to save some money?” the son asked the father.

“I certainly would, son. Any suggestions?” answered father.

“Sure. Why not buy me a car, then I won’t wear my shoes out so fast.”


After studying at University a youth delivered a pizza to a house, and a man asked, "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get $1 out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted the man. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my budget."

"What are you studying?" asked the man.

The youth smiled and said, "Applied psychology."


A young man stands at border control.

An officer asks him: Any drugs, alcohol?”

The young man: “No thanks, I’ve got everything”


 Little Johnny asks his older brother, who studies at the university: “Sam, tell me please, what is a lecturer?”

“A lecturer is a person who has a very bad habit of speaking when someone is sleeping,” answered his older brother.


Employer: “What do you make at your current job?”

Student: “Mostly mistakes and inappropriate comments.”


 

 

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